It happened slowly and quietly, in the background of my life.
It started with what I thought was just a rough patch, then came a few breakouts along my jaw.
Some redness across my cheeks that wouldn't settle no matter what I did.
So I figured I'd treat it, it would clear, and I'd move on.
So I did what anyone does, I researched.
I then built a routine.
Vitamin C in the morning, retinol twice a week, a BHA on alternate days,
I was doing exactly what every dermatologist YouTube channel told me to do.
I was consistent and I was patient.
I even tracked it in my notes app.
But my skin got worse, not breakout worse but barrier worse.
Everything started stinging and burning.
My sunscreen burned on application, a serum I'd used for months suddenly felt like acid on my face.
I felt worse than before I had started. I was afraid to open my phone's camera and see my face.
I felt ugly, I didn't even want to go out just so no one could see me.
If i had to go out i would go overboard when applying my concealer just so that no acne scars would show.
When I washed my skin with plain water I felt my skin tighten and pull like it was furious at me for touching it.
I used all the right ingredients in all the right order…
But...
somehow damaged my barrier so bad that my skin could no longer tolerate the routine I'd built to fix it.
So I threw everything out and started again, this time, gentler and calmer.
I went deep into K-beauty. Centella creams, cica balms, ceramide moisturisers,I basically dived into anything I could.
I spent somewhere close to $300 over six months on products that all said identical things on the label.
Calming, Barrier repair and Safe for sensitive skin.
Some of them actually felt nice for a few days, they didn't irritate my skin.
Instead my skin felt refreshed and was actually shining whenever I looked in the mirror.
I even ended up getting compliments that I never thought I would receive.
However...
that was the issue, it was only for a few days.
I'd have a decent week, convince myself something was finally working, and then randomly a flare.
My skin looked exactly the same as the week before, redness sitting across my cheeks like it lived there.
Post-blemish marks from breakouts that had healed months ago, still just... there.
I started to quietly believe that this was just my skin now and that there was no hope.
The reactive, barrier-damaged, inflamed skin was simply what I had to work with for the rest of my life.
The best I could hope for was okay days where I might get a compliment from a random stranger.
And that was only when I put on pounds of makeup to cover the acne that's practically advertising itself on my face.
But it was mostly bad days, where I locked myself inside and started questioning why me?
Why did I have to end up the girl with acne scars?
I began to hide my face from even my family and my partner.
I was just so worried that they would point out my skin's breakage.
I felt hidden from the world itself, I missed the days where I went outside confidently.
I've always wanted to post on tiktok, instagram and more...
but it's gotten to the point where I would have to wait for a day where my skin looks slightly okay where I would only put on some makeup that will hide it nicely.